1. Which summer Olympics event would you have the best chance of winning?
I couldn't win an athletic contest against a blindfolded first grader, but the summer Olympics sport I'd have the best chance of learning how to do at all might be fencing.
2. Which winter Olympics event would you have the best chance of winning?
I couldn't win an athletic contest against a ninety-year-old with gout, but the winter Olympics sport I'd have the best chance of learning how to do at all might be curling.
3. Which competitive reality TV program would you have the best chance of winning?
It would have to be a cooking show -- some version of the British Bake Off, or "home cooks" night on Chopped. And even then, I wouldn't rate my chances above middling.
4. Which traditional TV game show would you have the best chance of winning?
I think I would be really good at Pyramid. While I love Jeopardy! best of all and can certainly impress the family when watching and playing at home, I know I am not in the league of the super-competitive trivia-meisters who vie for spots on that program. Pyramid only requires ordinary cleverness -- which isn't all that ordinary, I guess, but you know what I mean -- as well as composure and a good vocabulary. Those I have, and I think my background in logic provides an added advantage. For the same reasons, I think I would have done well at the old Password, too.
Alternatively, in the olden days (by which I mean the 1970s), there was a game show called Name That Tune that I was also not bad at playing at in my living room. It was a revival of a 1950s program, and as I recall, even the '70s version was pretty square -- all top-40 hits of the previous couple decades, along with standards and show tunes (and maybe even some classical in the bonus round). However, given my lack of exposure to popular/commercial music since the '70s, I'd probably be a wash-out on a contemporary revival.
5. The Pulitzer Prize is awarded for achievements in newspaper and online journalism, literature, and musical composition. The Newbery Medal is awarded to the author of the most distinguished contribution to American literature for children. What would a prize named after you be for?
Ha! Good twist. There is only one thing I'm awards-level good at, and that's writing song parodies. However, I think the award for that is already named after Weird Al Yankovic. If not, it should be!