philosophymom (philosophymom) wrote,
philosophymom
philosophymom

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Sprung

This week's Friday Five were entitled "Sprung." Here are my very belated answers.

1. What do you need to be free of?
That's easy, and you could probably answer it for me: all baggage associated with the Man. Yes, I was mightily helped by that good year of therapy I did, and even before I started it I'd already begun making noise about seeing a light at the end of the tunnel ... but I'm talking about a kind of complete freedom from the whole thing that probably isn't possible, but without which I'll never stride confidently into whatever future is out there for me.

I don't long for him constantly anymore. I hardly ever cry about it. I can even be around him without feeling very self-conscious or sad. Most importantly, I've stopped beating myself up about the multitudinous personal flaws that surely led to my not being loved enough by my spouse that he could resist the temptation of a fresh admirer in middle age. Okay, I still talk about the whole thing too much, but there was a time when I talked of nothing else. All in all, I've made heaps of progress.

BUT ...

I'm lonely, and the scars on my soul prevent me from taking steps to correct that. Basically, I don't trust heterosexual men, and since they're what attract me, that leaves me in a tricky position vis-à-vis cultivating a new relationship. Why go to a seniors event or try a mature-persons dating site when my strong suspicion -- based on how everything went down in my life -- is that men only endure relationships for the sake of sex? Why look for a person who'll promise to stick by me during tough times, when my experience in the community of the divorced has taught me that big promises don't mean much to most people? Relatedly, and despite my own loneliness, I'd like to be happy for others when they get hitched ... but my sense of the meaninglessness of their/all vows won't let me do any more than fake it.

That, Gentle Reader, is baggage.

2. What’s the highest thing you’ve leaped from?
Ha! If I've even leapt from anything higher than a pitcher's mound, I don't remember it.

3. What are you bouncing back from?
An exhausting semester, followed immediately by a Sherlockian conference that I was in charge of. Both ended successfully, and I know that all my worry and stressing out did not contribute to that success, but I couldn't help myself. Luckily, I now have a "down" month in which to recuperate/bounce back.

4. When were you last in, on, or near a body of fresh water?
It's been ages. Now, we used to take lake vacations, back when "we" meant me and the Man, and we co-owned a sailboat with another couple. Specifically, we went to the Finger Lakes for several summers running (more specifically, it was Seneca Lake), and I still remember those trips fondly ... but they were all the way back in the early 1990s. Wait; I just thought of a later trip with my extended family to Deep Creek Lake. It was in 2001 (I was pregnant with Number Three Son), and I guess it was the last/most recent time I made the fresh water scene.

5. What kind of bed are you sleeping on?
I'm not sure, but I think it might be a Sealy Posturepedic (or a clone of same). We (the usual "we") bought it at Sears maybe 17 or 18 years ago. It's a queen-sized mattress, and very tall (well, it was tall for back when we bought it -- I had to replace all my fitted sheets!). Even though it was "ours," I've hung onto it (I'd like to say my reasons were more economic than sentimental). When I replace it (as I will, some day), I am getting a top-of-the-line adjustable Sleep-Number special. After all, if this one lasted almost two decades, the next one ought to be the last mattress I ever acquire.
 
Tags: friday five, me, memes
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